Fear
by The Crushinator
Summary: For Azula, there is no distinction between her inner and outer worlds. The aftermath of Azula's mental breakdown, a few psych sessions, a visit, and a birthday gift.


**Fear**

**i.**

She lay on the cobblestones of the courtyard in chains for an entire day before the soldiers were able to get close to her. Soldiers that not hours before answered to her, and only to her. Now they answered to her failure of a brother.

Only he wasn't the failure anymore, was he?

Azula heaved and a river of blue fire sprung from her lips. The soldier on her left leaped backwards, swearing as he bent her fire away from his now charred hand. Azula gave him a dry-lipped grin. Her skin cracked, and thin blood oozed down her chin.

Something hard struck her in the back of the head. Bright pinpoints of light scintillated across her vision. She was rolled on her back. A fist of cloth was stuffed into her mouth, and something that felt like leather was tied around her head. The idiot soldier (who had to knock her senseless with the butt of his spear before he could even approach her, the clumsy coward) knotted it into her hair. She knew that when it was removed, later, it would likely take off a chunk of her hair with it. Ty Lee would-

Gloved hands forced themselves into her armpits and she was yanked to her feet. Ty Lee would be out of prison soon, along with that lovesick traitor, Mai. And she, Azula, would be in the prison tower, limp as one of Ty Lee's victims, chains embracing her wrists like Mai's knives.

She began to laugh. Her boots cut troughs in the dirt behind her.

**ii.**

"Do you think she can hear us?"

"She's not deaf."

"So? That doesn't mean she can hear us. What if she's, like, in another world or something?"

"So ask her."

"...I bet she's still mad at us."

"I'd be mad at us too."

"No. Not if it mattered, really. Like, change the world mattered. Did it matter?"

"It mattered to her."

A shuffling of cloth. The clicking of a heel on polished stone.

"I wish I knew if she could hear us."

**iii.**

In her dreams, she saw her mother. Sometimes it was Ty Lee, or Mai. They begged her to let them remove her battered armor and replace it with prison red. She sneered at them when they cried and clawed at them when they got too close. Sometimes they wore armor of their own. Sometimes they hit her, or kicked her, or held her down and tried to sedate her, but she was too strong for them, always.

On the seventh day, they used an earth bender (the small, anemic-looking one) to shackle her to the wall. A water bender (I hate her I'll kill her i_I'll kill her/i_) washed her. Azula tried to claw out her eyes, and almost succeeded. That was when one of her guards took out her knife and cut off the tips of her fingernails.

Her mother watched.

**iv.**

"She looks better."

"No, she doesn't. She looks like hell."

"Don't be so negative!"

"I'm not being negative. I'm being honest. They cut off her fingernails with a dagger."

"...they shouldn't have done that."

"She shouldn't have tried to claw out Katara's eye."

"It's not like Katara's defenseless! You saw what happened! She stopped her and she was fine! And then Katara told them not to do it and they still did! It was awful!"

"...yeah. It was."

"We should have stopped them. We could have, if we tried. Why didn't we stop them?"

"We've seen what her fingernails can do."

"..."

"They'll grow back."

"I guess they will."

**v.**

Her hair bothered her. It tickled one cheek and left grease marks on the other. She wasn't allowed a mirror, but she knew how she must have looked. She remembered how she used to have Ty Lee comb her hair while Mai sharpened her nails. Then she nearly choked on a cherry pit, and she had no one left to arrange her hair. She banished them. She banished both for trying to kill her. Mai said it was for love, but that was ridiculous. Mai didn't know how to love.

_That's not how it happened. Your brother said your friends stopped you from killing him on the Boiling Rock, not in the palace._

"Be quiet, mother," said Azula.

_I'm not your mother, Azula. I'm Dr. Song._

Her hair was dry and frayed at the end, like cheap rope she saw those filthy Earth Kingdom peasants use to bind their goods at market.

"I need scissors."

_We can schedule a hair cut for you, if you like._

"And give you the chance to cut my throat? You must be ludicrously half-witted."

_Why do you think I want to kill you, Azula?_

"Don't make me laugh, mother. You wish you'd smothered me at your breast."

She took the ends of her hair in her teeth and began to bite.

**vi.**

"Do you think they'd let us go in? To see her, I mean? She looks like she could use a friend."

"She looks like she could use a haircut."

"I hate that they're doing this to her. She was always so proud, you know?"

"No one's doing anything to her. She won't even let Dr. Song near her, most days."

"Well, I've been thinking."

"I'm shocked."

"Oh, be quiet and let me finish. I've been thinking, all they've done to her since they brought her here is leave her alone for the most part. No one talks to her like everything's the same. They all, like... walk round her on tippy-toes, or get all forceful and stuff. Azula's smart, you know? She's gonna catch on that they're treating her like a monster."

"They're just afraid of her. That's how she likes it."

"No. I don't think she ever really did."

**vii.**

Sometimes she could hear people talking. She didn't know what they were talking about, but she knew she hated them. The boy with the strange, empty head and the girl with the eyes like her own blue fire were especially repugnant to her. They whispered to one another when they could feel her eyes on them. When she concentrated on the wall, they didn't bother to lower their voices.

And the things they said.

Heal her? Insolent. Presumptuous. She would banish them. No, she would feed them to the eel-hounds. She would kill herself with her own lightning before she allowed them to bring any kind of water near her head. Inferior element. What would father say, if he heard them? The gall. There was nothing to heal.

_What is wrong with that child?_

Shut up, mother.

_No, Azula. Not until you listen to me._

Azula hugged herself and laughed and laughed.

_Azula. Come back to me. Please_.

Nothing to come back to, mother. Nowhere to go, no one to please. It's just you and me, forever. Dr. Song says you're not even real. One for sorrow, two for birth, never for mirth...

_Your birth was no sorrow._

Would you have killed for me, mother?

_I love you, Azula._

Would you?

**viii.**

"What about a necklace?"

"She hates necklaces. They get in the way when she's doing drills."

"Um, a romance scroll, maybe? She likes those. Remember when we caught her reading the one about the pirate captain and the princess?"

"She spends all day staring at the wall."

"We have to get her _something_! It's gonna be her birthday!"

"Ha. She'd probably kill for a day at the spa."

"You know what? I wish we _could_ take her to a spa. This place isn't good for her. The feng shui here is all wrong. I bet if we fixed it, she'd start showing real progress!"

"...are you sure you want her to progress?"

"Sure I'm sure. You are, too. That's why we come here every week."

"Hm."

"..."

"..."

"How about a new dress?"

**ix**_**.**_

"You have a visitor, Princess," said Dr. Song.

It was a bright, clear day. She liked to watch the boats on the caldera on days like this. It wasn't the power of the sun that made them so vivid to her, but the anchor that somehow latched itself to her memory. On clear days, she could see every crack in her fingernails.

"I'll leave you two alone. Just tell Su Li if you need me, sir."

She watched one of the smaller vessels (merchant-owned, rich off war spoils, or a buyer and seller of foreign goods) tip precariously as a pallet of boxes was dropped onto its deck. It would be interesting if it sank. That happened sometimes.

"Sure. Thanks."

The floor creaked as the visitor settled into the chair across from her bed, like he always did. She pressed her hands against the glass of her window and leaned in for a better look at the overloaded boat.

"I wanted to see how you were doing."

They were trying to coax a komodo rhino on board. Simpletons. Komodo rhinos were hydrophobic. They had to be blindfolded or they'd balk and gore their nearest handlers.

"So... I guess you're fine. Uh. Uncle says hi. He wants to know if you tried that tea he sent you."

The rhino opened its mouth in a panicked roar. It kicked out with its back legs and struck one of the dockhands in the stomach.

"I'll uh... tell him you liked it."

One man, probably the rhino's handler, grabbed the rope that was hanging off its snout. He leaned backwards with his entire weight in an effort to control the frightened animal. Azula didn't know what he was trying to accomplish. The rhino was easily ten times the man's weight.

"I don't know if you can hear me. That's okay, though! You don't have to hear me if you don't want to. You can do whatever you want. I don't want you to feel pressured."

The rhino reared. The man who had been hanging onto its bridle was tossed in the air like a boneless animal. He refused to let go of the robe, the stubborn fool. She wondered if he was an Earth Kingdom native or if he'd simply lived in the colonies for too long. Any Fire Nation citizen would have released the balking animal to save his own skin.

"This'll be my last visit for a while. They haven't found Mom yet, so... I guess I'm going to try and find her myself."

The man slammed into the rhino's spine. She could hear the sound of his back breaking in her head as clearly as if she were standing next to him. The rhino, suddenly placid, nudged the man's body. He didn't move.

"Your doctor told me maybe if I brought Mom home, it'd help."

A big enough crowd had gathered around the spectacle now that she could no longer see what was happening. She let her hands slide down the glass.

"That's all, I guess. Just wanted to tell you."

He stood. She heard his footsteps come closer to her, then stop. The floorboards shifted, as if in hesitation. Then, slowly, he began to leave. Just like he did every week. And now, he was leaving.

To go find their mother.

She couldn't.

"Zuzu."

She heard him suck in a breath. She let her head loll backwards, so that when she looked at him, he appeared to be upside down. He didn't look as shocked as she expected, though what little color he had was gone from his sad wreck of a face. She showed him her teeth.

"I hope she's dead."

**x.**

Mornings were her favorite time. The sun made all the people who flocked around her vanish like water in the desert. She liked how every shadow had a clear boundary. She could step in one, and her skin would turn black. She could step out of one, and she'd be as resplendent as a dragon. Even her matted, uneven hair shone like fire opal in the sun's purifying light.

"Do you think she can hear us?"

"Zuko says she can."

"Hm. Well. Okay. Here goes. Azula?"

There were people talking to her again. One had wide, guileless, grey eyes like the Air Nomads but wore Earth Kingdom green. The other had eyes like knives. Between them, they carried a gold box. She nearly asked mother what they were doing there, but then remembered that mother was dead. The thought gave her some comfort.

"At least she's looking at us."

The one in green sat down on the floor next to her. She smiled, and something in Azula stirred. She saw seashells, a fire, an apple? A fountain? The sea? The girl took her hand.

"Happy birthday, Azula," she said, and held up something golden.

A wide-toothed comb. Turtleduck shell, inlaid with gold. Gently, she slid it into Azula's wrecked hair. An instinct to fight, to kill before she was betrayed rose inside her, and then-

"There we go. Isn't this nice?"

It flickered, and it died. She felt a tug at her roots as the tangles were slowly worked smooth.

"I always wished I had your hair, you know? It's so pretty."

"You don't have to flatter her, you know," said the knife girl.

The girl with the comb flashed a dazzling smile. "I never flatter anyone. Right, Azula?"

Ah. Something strange was happening to her eyes. They were hot, and they stung. Something warm leaked down her face. Azula wondered if she was bleeding.

"Huh," said Mai. "That's different."

"You're not-" said Azula. Her voice was strangely hoarse. "You're not afraid?"

"Oh, Azula," said Ty Lee, as she continued to work the tangles out of her friend's hair. "It's okay. We're not going anywhere. Right, Mai?"

"Sure. It's not like we have anything better to do."

Ty Lee laughed. Then Azula put her face in her hands, and she sobbed.


End file.
